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David:
It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.
Michael:
He is such a Nazi.
Michael:
Michael, not all Germans are Nazis.
Michael:
That's not my understanding.
David:
[to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!
David:
I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction!
[laughs]
[repeated line]
David, Michael, Michael:
That is too funny!
Michael:
We can't move... We're in a tableau.
Michael:
The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.
David:
How's the soup, Michael?
Michael:
It's good.
David:
You won't be saying that after I kill you!
Michael:
Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.
CO-OP Board President:
Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!
Michael:
I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
CO-OP Board President:
Where are they? It's four o'clock!
Amy:
I don't know, they left for lunch at 9:30 and never came back.
Michael:
Think of all the great things that have come out of this country!
Michael:
Rugby.
David:
Chicken Tikka Masala.
Michael:
Chinese People.
Michael:
Ass.
David:
Harry Potter.
Michael:
Rubber balls and liquor.
Michael:
Then I say something.
David:
Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean?
Michael:
What, who is this? I don't know any Davids!
David:
David Wain?
Michael:
Oh... yeah
Michael:
You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?
Michael:
[giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.
Michael:
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4f
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U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.
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Michael:
I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.
Michael:
L, Love. I love this building
Michael:
D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...
Michael:
David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches?
David:
Gary Meadows? Sure. But why?
Michael:
Trust me. Just trust me.
CO-OP Board Member:
Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks?
Michael:
Not skunks... skunk people!
Richard:
How about some sugar for my coffee?
Michael:
How about I'm not your bitch.
David:
And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison.
Michael:
She's had more boyfriends than Madonna!
Michael:
I like English muffins.
David:
Totally.
Greg:
Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.
David:
We are employees!
Michael:
Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.
Greg:
Houston?
Michael:
[in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh?
Ansel:
I didn't know we had an office in Houston.
Michael:
[in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.
Michael:
[in Canadian accent] ... Pierre Trudeau...
Ansel:
If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?
David:
[in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers!
Michael, Michael:
Yeah!
Michael:
[to girl at office party] Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.
Michael:
Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles.
Michael:
And numchucks.
David:
Sweeeeet.
Michael:
[looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that?
Michael:
[in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.
David:
[in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow.
Michael:
[in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?
China:
What are you doing?
Gary Meadows:
Go back to bed, China.
China:
But I'm bored.
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fd5
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Gary Meadows:
I said, go back to bed, China!
[shouts]
Gary Meadows:
Now!
Michael:
It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #
Michael:
I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."
Michael:
Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...
Michael:
Right.
Michael:
...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.
Michael:
Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...
Michael:
Literally, it could be this table.
Michael:
It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.
Michael:
It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?
Michael:
I totally...
Michael:
It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.
Michael:
Oh, my God...
Girl At Party:
I like pain.
Michael:
I like cookies.
Michael:
Would a perfect world have turkeys?
David:
Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!
Michael:
I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!
Michael:
What are we gonna do?
David:
Call Marcus.
Michael:
Yeah, call Marcus.
Michael:
Who's Marcus?
Michael:
I don't know, I don't know!
Michael:
Hey guys, he's still alive!
Michael:
[Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that!
Michael:
It was either him or us, Mike!
Michael:
What are you talking about?
David:
You guys, we have to call the cops!
Michael:
No cops, Dave... not on this one!
David:
What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!
Michael:
[points gun at David] I said no cops!
Michael:
Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey
[points gun at Michael Ian Black]
David:
Put the gun down, Mike!
[points gun at Showalter]
Michael:
Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!
David:
I know? it's weird.
Michael:
Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.
David:
Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!
Michael:
2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do?
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30
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[all three throw guns down]
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ff6
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David:
Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!
Michael:
How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!
Michael:
[looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...
Michael:
If you guys don't stop talking about the boogie boards, I'm gonna run this car off the road!
David & Michael:
Do it!
Michael:
I will!
David & Michael:
Do it!
Michael:
Fine!
[Swerves off a cliff]
David:
I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?
Mountain Man:
Of course.
David:
No, no, but you say it.
Mountain Man:
...Mike hunt.
[Michael, Michael and David giggle]
Mountain Man:
What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?"
[more giggles]
Mountain Man:
All right, enough!
Michael:
[after finding out they are bankrupt] You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.
Old Woman:
Everybody make a wish, now.
Michael:
I wish we had our apartment back.
Michael:
I wish we had our apartment back.
David:
I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.
Michael:
[to close up their presentation for the Big Account] In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.
Michael:
Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted.
David:
I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.
Michael:
I can barely keep my pee hole open.
Michael:
My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.
David:
Hey, you remind me of fast food.
Blonde Girl:
Oh, yeah? Why's that?
David:
Because I want to take you out...
Blonde Girl:
[laughs]
David:
...and then I want to eat you in my car.
Jane Burroughs:
I'm afraid I some have bad news.
David:
Don't tell me you have crabs.
Jane Burroughs:
No.
David:
...You will.
Michael:
I'm cold.
Michael:
I'm hungry.
David:
I'm David.
[makes fart noise]
Michael:
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2d
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Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.
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f42
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Mountain Man:
Nature is fun.
David:
Like boobs?
Mountain Man:
But it can also be dangerous.
Michael:
Like fire boobs?
Michael:
Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!
Michael:
Now, come on. We have a date today with a lady named Fun.
[pause]
Michael:
She's a Korean lady.
[pause]
Michael:
"Fun" is a popular name in Korea.
Michael:
I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
Michael:
I feel the same way.
Michael:
You're bummed out, right?
Michael:
No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.
David:
As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.
David:
I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!
Michael:
Where are we?
Michael:
Are we in heaven?
David:
Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.
Michael:
David went to Julliard, Michael.
Michael:
I don't care where he went!
Michael:
He's a classical violinist.
David:
And I'm a classical pianist!
Michael:
You're a classical dick, is what you are.
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