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Lois Griffin:
Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin:
That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin:
And what did you do?
Peter Griffin:
Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
Stewie Griffin:
Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.
Peter Griffin:
You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter Griffin:
Holy crip, he's a crapple.
[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin:
Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Stewie Griffin:
[to ticket agent] Now listen to me...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin:
Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.
Lois Griffin:
Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin:
Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois Griffin:
You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin:
Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin:
Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin:
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Peter, I'm talking about making love.
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Peter Griffin:
Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Brian Griffin:
Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Meg Griffin:
Mom! Dad! I'm home!
[She looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin:
Who are you?
Tom Arnold:
We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin:
No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're the fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're the Olsen twins?
Olsen Twin # 1:
Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Olsen Twin # 2:
Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[Cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Franescher:
Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
[nasally laugh]
Lois Griffin:
Oh, I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible, with the laughingstock in the town, and we lost our daughter!
Prince Adam:
[draws Sword of Power]
[shouts]
Prince Adam:
I have the power!
[becomes He-Man]
Brian Griffin:
All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it ok first.
Stewie Griffin:
Oh, they won't even know we're gone! -Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet.
Stewie Griffin:
Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin:
I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
Peter Griffin:
[enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin:
[on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin:
[on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin:
There you have it.
Tom Tucker:
Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker:
that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin:
Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker:
Get out.
Stewie Griffin:
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1d9
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Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
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[about Jessica Alba]
Don LaFontaine:
If I were forty years younger I would plow that until next July.
Brian Griffin:
I don't know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin:
Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!
[runs to toilet]
Stewie Griffin:
[shouts] You get a job!
Brian Griffin:
You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin:
Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin:
Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin:
What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin:
[inside Lois' head] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!
Glen Quagmire:
[after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?
Chris Griffin:
I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.
Lois Griffin:
Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin:
Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin:
Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin:
All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?
Cleveland:
[seven hookers are sitting in Cleveland's living room] Okay Peter, that's it. You and five of those hookers get out!
Peter Griffin:
[in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin:
Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
[children look horrified]
Peter Griffin:
Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter Pewterschmidt:
Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin:
What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?
Lois Griffin:
Look, Peter, people!
Jorad:
Halt!
Peter Griffin:
Uh-oh!
Jorad:
I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
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Peter Griffin
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:
Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad:
Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin:
A blanket!
Brian Griffin:
Potato salad!
Chris Griffin:
Chicken!
Lois Griffin:
Merlot
Stewie Griffin:
A dead louis!
Peter Griffin:
Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad:
Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin:
[whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly]
Stewie Griffin:
Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.
Interviewer:
[Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin:
[thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
[out loud]
Peter Griffin:
Doin' your, er...
[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin:
... son?
[interviewer's shocked expression]
Cleveland:
[as Mr. T]
[shouts]
Cleveland:
I pity the fool!
[normal voice]
Cleveland:
But I also suggest ways that he may better himself.
[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin:
[looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!
Stewie Griffin:
Well, all's well that ends well, eh Brian?
Brian Griffin:
You shot me in both legs and lit me on fire
Stewie Griffin:
Oh c'mon! Well I guess you're right. Alright, I'll tell you what: you can take one free hit, okay?
Brian Griffin:
Okay. But I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to take it.
Stewie Griffin:
[scared, after a pause] What?
Jaws:
Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
[eats the swimmers]
Jaws:
. Yummy.
Lois Griffin:
Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin:
Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin:
"Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin:
Doesn't get much gayer than this.
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29
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Mall Santa
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:
Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin:
Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa:
Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin:
Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa:
OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin:
All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be..."nice."
Peter Griffin:
Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!
Brian Griffin:
Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin:
Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin:
Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin:
...Uh oh.
[a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house]
Drunk Driver:
Congratulations!
Stewie Griffin:
I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin:
What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin:
I don't know.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin:
Tom!
[quickly hides his head down beneath his newspaper, he then looks up]
Stewie Griffin:
Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin:
I don't know.
Stewie Griffin:
Well you were supposed to look.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin:
Tom Bosley!
[looks down]
Brian Griffin:
No, it's not him.
Guy Handing Out Coupons:
[to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken] Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin:
Oh, no, thank you, I don't trust giant chickens any more.
[goes to flashback]
Peter Griffin:
Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier:
[looks at coupon] Oh, I'm sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin:
[Peter looks at chicken outside] Son of a -
[jumps out window and tackles the chicken]
Peter Griffin:
Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy:
Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin:
What the hell's your problem?
cheese guy:
I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.
Lois Griffin:
[while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris and Meg:
Mom!
Peter Griffin:
Don't worry, kids, we're going to McDonalds.
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2b
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[Lois glares at Peter]
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Peter Griffin:
Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin:
But, Dad!
Peter Griffin:
Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin:
Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin:
Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!
Peter Griffin:
Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College:
Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
Peter Griffin:
[posing as Britney Spears] How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake:
Uh, sure, Britney.
[they kiss, and Peter transforms]
Justin Timberlake:
Aaahh!
Peter Griffin:
He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.
[Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin:
10 bucks.
Brian Griffin:
Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin:
Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin:
Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin:
Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin:
Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin:
Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin:
Nope, just really small.
Peter Griffin:
Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland:
I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
[everyone drinks]
Joe Swanson:
I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
[Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin:
I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin:
[later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire:
Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Joe Swanson:
I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire:
Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin:
Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire:
Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
[Quagmire drinks]
Glen Quagmire:
[he passes out]
Joe Swanson:
Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin:
Let's write on him!
Glen Quagmire:
[while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls]
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4b
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Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigady.
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Lois Griffin:
I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire:
Oh, God!
Lois Griffin:
And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire:
Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin:
And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire:
Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin:
I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire:
That one is also sexual.
Lois Griffin:
Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire:
[off the screen] Giggitty!
Peter Griffin:
This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina:
[on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
[no laughter]
Talking Vagina:
Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
Stewie Griffin:
[shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
Peter Griffin:
Welcome to the neighborhood! Hi ya, Joe.
Joe Swanson:
Peter.
Peter Griffin:
Oh, don't get up.
Joe Swanson:
This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me.
Peter Griffin:
Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
[laughs]
Joe Swanson:
Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin:
[moans] Are you kidding? You could barrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson:
Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin:
Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson:
I don't want to impose.
Peter Griffin:
No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson:
Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin:
Hey, so much fun, it should be a legal, like copyrighted infringement.
[Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse]
Peter Griffin:
[in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin:
[walks into the room]
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24
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What are you watching, Peter?
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Peter Griffin:
"Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin:
Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin:
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard:
Okay...
Peter Griffin:
Okay?
Roman Guard:
Okay...
Peter Griffin:
All right.
Stewie Griffin:
What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin:
It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin:
Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Peter Griffin:
[trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland:
Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin:
Oh, god you're self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin:
See, now you're not alone.
Cleveland:
Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
Brian Griffin:
I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment...
[vomits]
Brian Griffin:
and a stomach virus...
[falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin:
and an inner ear infection.
Little Girl:
Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin:
I was curious!
Brian Griffin:
[laughing]
Ms. Romano:
Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider:
Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin:
Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?
Lois Griffin:
Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox:
I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois Griffin:
You... bitch!
Peter Griffin:
Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians.
[blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin:
Canada sucks.
Stewie Griffin:
Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
[laughs]
Stewie Griffin:
Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin:
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Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
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[everybody laughs]
Man:
Good one Peter.
Man 2:
That's what they're for all right.
Lady:
Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin:
All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin:
So you got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin:
So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
[laughs]
Peter Griffin:
So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
Brian Griffin:
Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin:
Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin:
[cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin:
[laughs] All right!
[looks offscreen]
Peter Griffin:
Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
Peter Griffin:
[Brian shows him the Star Wars glass] Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian Griffin:
Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter Griffin:
[tears break out] That's not true! That's impossible! Damn it, Peter, snap out of it. No!
[glass starts to crack]
Lois Griffin}:
Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin}:
Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin}:
Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin}:
Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin}:
[while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons}:
And now, Part 3 of Asian correspond: Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa}:
Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentiality dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire}:
I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin}:
Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin}:
Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin}:
Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin}:
No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin}<
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/b>:
That's better.
Brian Griffin}:
I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin}:
Smooth.
Lois Griffin}:
Well, I better go start dinner.
Brian Griffin}:
[sniffing and sigh]
Stewie Griffin:
char=
Lois Griffin:
Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin:
What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor:
Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin:
What about the...
Doctor:
Testicles.
George:
[a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help!
[he falls]
George:
Jane!
[he falls again]
George:
Stop this crazy thing!
[he falls again]
George:
Ahh!
[falls]
George:
Help!
[falls]
Woman on Tape:
We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin:
Peter!
Peter Griffin:
Ahh!
Lois Griffin:
I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin:
Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin:
These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin:
This is hot.
Lois Griffin:
Turn around.
Peter Griffin:
Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin:
Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin:
Yeah?
Lois Griffin:
I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin:
Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin:
You should've told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin:
You should've told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin:
Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin:
I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin:
What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin:
Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin:
[gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin:
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Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
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[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin:
Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin:
All set, sir.
Peter Griffin:
I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin:
Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin:
Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.
[Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin:
[evil laughter] I've done it!
[lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin:
Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
[Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova:
After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canes, and that secret is...
Man on TV:
We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano:
Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider:
Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.
[Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
Joe Swanson:
Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin:
I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin:
Peter!
Peter Griffin:
What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
Peter Griffin:
Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin:
Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin:
Eats babies.
[crowd applauds]
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin:
Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin:
[looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Joe Swanson:
[siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland:
Fooled you!
[all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin:
Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson:
It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin:
Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Cleveland:
What?
Joe Swanson:
Oh, m
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y God!
Glen Quagmire:
Oh, man!
Peter Griffin:
Fooled you!
[laughs]
Peter Griffin:
Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
Joe Swanson:
[Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
Bonnie Swanson:
[off-screen] Did you walk?
Stewie Griffin:
Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin:
Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin:
Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin:
All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin:
Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
Peter Griffin:
[during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director:
You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof:
No, he's an idiot.
Man:
Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil:
I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
[both laugh]
Phil:
Come on, I'm buyin
Peter Griffin:
Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett:
All right! Goodbye virginity!
Peter Griffin:
Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer:
We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred:
Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma:
Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo:
[jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred:
You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
Diane Simmons:
Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker:
We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons:
Jimenez.
Tom Tucker:
I know how to say it!
Peter Griffin:
Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin:
I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
[Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
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:
Good. Let the hate flow through you.
[Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin:
You're not helping!
Darren (On Bewitiched):
The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Peter Griffin:
[throwing holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you!
Brian Griffin:
Well, Peter, if you plan to pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.
Stewie Griffin:
[talking to very old prostitute] So, is there any tread on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin:
[talking to a prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Peter Griffin:
Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin:
No, I crashed out about an hour ago.
Olivia:
You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.
Stewie Griffin:
Aha ha ha. Oh, gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And yet, you have taken that and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Cause... I'm here. God you're SO funny.
Teeth # 1:
Okay.
Teeth # 1:
One, two...
Stewie Griffin:
Ah!
Peter Griffin:
Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin:
That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin:
Wrong! It's the ugly one.
Stewie Griffin:
I don't need to $@%# impress you.
Smurf #1:
Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2:
You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1:
Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2:
Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #2:
Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2:
Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1:
That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2:
You betcha.
Smurf #1:
Freakin' smurf.
Machine:
You have 113 new messages
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[Phone starts to beep]
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Lois Griffin:
Oh my!
Old Man:
Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
[beep]
Old Man:
Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
[beep]
Old Man:
Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
[beep]
Old Man:
Where are you?
[beep]
Old Man:
Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
Old Man:
Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy.
Brian Griffin:
You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
Lois Griffin:
Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.
Peter Griffin:
Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to.
[Everybody walks Peter to take the hat off]
Peter Griffin:
Get away!
Brian Griffin:
And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin:
Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin:
I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.
[Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin:
Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin:
[running] Brian wait!
[He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin:
Hold on a second.
[Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin:
Airport please.
[Car runs]
Quagmire:
Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives
[Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin:
Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
Peter Griffin:
[Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Craig T. Nelson:
[knocks on the door] Hi, are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin:
Yes.
Craig T. Nelson:
[Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
Chris Griffin:
Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
Glen Quagmire's Mom:
Here now, have milk.
[shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire:
All right!
[starts sucking on her breast]
Stewie Griffin:
Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin:
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My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
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Stewie Griffin:
So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin:
Yes.
Stewie Griffin:
All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin:
Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin:
You know what this means?
Brian Griffin:
Yeah.
Meg Griffin:
Mom!
Chris Griffin:
Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin:
That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin:
Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin:
Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin:
Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin:
I quit!
Stewie Griffin:
[to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
[leaves]
Man on TV:
Hey! Hey! Get that
[beep]
Man on TV:
camera out of my face!
[smashes the glass of the camera]
Peter Griffin:
Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
Mort Goldman:
All right, Peter. That'll be $
Peter Griffin:
Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.
Mort Goldman:
Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
Peter Griffin:
What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?
Mort Goldman:
Well, not right away...
Peter Griffin:
In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...
Peter Griffin:
[throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door]
[shouts]
Peter Griffin:
I didn't have my hand down my pants!
Lois Griffin:
Good for you.
[Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman:
Am I late for the Q&A?
[Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin:
Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
Peter Griffin:
[shouts] Rock lobster!
[repeated line]
James Woods:
Oooh, a piece of candy.
Chris Griffin:
[looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin:
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[hugs Chris]
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Oh, Chris, you're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin:
[turns to Meg] See?
[shouts]
Chris Griffin:
I'm the favorite!
Stewie Griffin:
[Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey...
[pats Peter's knee]
Stewie Griffin:
Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
Lois Griffin:
Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin:
Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin:
Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
LaDonne:
Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin:
Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne:
Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy:
Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy:
So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin:
Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne:
Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin:
[takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin:
So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
Man:
She's a smoking little pistol, isn't she?
Peter Griffin:
Are you a woman?
Man:
No.
[Peter punches him]
Chris Griffin:
See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin:
We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin:
Yeah, but mine's smarter.
John Edward:
[Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin:
No.
John Edward:
A 'B'?
Peter Griffin:
No.
John Edward:
C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin:
P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward:
Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin:
Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
Lois Griffin:
[talking to Chris]
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53
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We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
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Peter Griffin:
She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin:
Peter!
Brian Griffin:
Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
Peter Griffin:
Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon buns, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin:
[gasp] How dare you? How dare you?
Peter Griffin:
How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going?
Brian Griffin:
Out.
Peter Griffin:
Hey, hey you're not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin:
I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.
Peter Griffin:
Don't worry. He won't get far without this.
[holds up spark-plug wires from the car]
Peter Griffin:
Even Walt Disney?
[Walt Disney draws Minnie]
Minnie:
Do I, do-do I have to?
[crying]
Walt Disney:
You wanna be a star, don't you? Then take it off!
[Minnie tooks her dress off while sobbing]
Walt Disney:
Yeah, that's nice.
Peter Griffin:
Look, you got anything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon bun, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin:
[gasp] How dare you? How dare you!
Peter Griffin:
How dare I? How dare I? Were do you think you're going?
Brian Griffin:
[angrily] Out.
Peter Griffin:
Hey, you're not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin:
I don't need your damn leash, and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.
[shuts door]
Peter Griffin:
Don't worry. He won't get far without this.
[shows something strange]
Brian Griffin:
Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin:
What does that say into me? Oh, go
[beep]
Lois Griffin:
yourself Diane.
[Brian spits]
Stewie Griffin:
She said a swear!
Brian Griffin:
I'm sorry, I don't do dog shows, that's not my thing.
Peter Griffin:
Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple!
Speed Racer:
Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha!
Man:
This is not affecting us all! Haha!
Speed Racer:
Haha!
Peter Griffin:
Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Stewie Griffin:
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Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
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Peter Griffin:
NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Peter Griffin:
1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin:
Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin:
Money, money, money!
Chris Griffin:
The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run!
[repeated line]
Glen Quagmire:
Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
Lois Griffin:
[to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
Glen Quagmire:
[from afar] Giggidy!
Peter Griffin:
Please rise. Now sit on it.
[everyone sits]
Peter Griffin:
May the Fonz be with you.
People In Church:
And also with you.
Peter Griffin:
Let us ayyy.
People In Church:
Ayyyy.
Peter Griffin:
And now a reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.
Lois Griffin:
Hello?
Peter Griffin:
Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin:
Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin:
Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin:
No.
Peter Griffin:
Okay, now I'm at the office.
Peter Griffin:
If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
Peter's Dad:
I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin:
God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.
Brian Griffin:
Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin:
That would explain all the gravity.
Peter Griffin:
Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin:
Peter, those are Cheerios.
Baliff:
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin:
I do... ya bastard.
Adam West:
I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Stewie Griffin:
So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Tom Tucker:
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143
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Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
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Diane Simmons:
Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman:
You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]
Police Officer:
Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin:
[singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West:
What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin:
Can't Touch me.
Cleveland:
I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin:
[still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
Doctor:
Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin:
Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin:
Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor:
...Can't it be both?
Meg Griffin:
You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death:
Well that would just leave England.
Li:
Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin:
I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Janet:
Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin:
Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
[wiggles his tongue like a snake]
Peter Griffin:
Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Cult Leader:
Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Stewie Griffin:
Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin:
Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin:
Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
Peter Griffin:
I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
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Announcer:
[for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert:
[answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert:
Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie:
Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert:
Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie:
Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
The Pope:
Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin:
Yeah, its Boston. See look, there's Harvard.
The Pope:
That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin:
Ooh. Someone went to Yale!
Joe Swanson:
At least I can do this:
[singing]
Joe Swanson:
ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man:
[electronic voice]
[monotonous]
Disabled Man:
Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
Diane Simmons:
And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker:
Really? 64?
Diane Simmons:
Yes!
Tom Tucker:
Now I thought she was dead.
Diane Simmons:
Nope, she's alive.
Tom Tucker:
Fantastic! And now this...
Tom Tucker:
And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
Peter Griffin:
[while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
Meg Griffin:
Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin:
Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird:
Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin:
Uh...
Big Bird:
You called me, right?
Meg Griffin:
Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird:
Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin:
Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird:
I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird:
bitch.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
[singing] We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin:
Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin:
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We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
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Stewie Griffin:
Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin:
Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin:
I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin:
How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin:
Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin:
Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin:
First class and no class.
Brian Griffin:
Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere
Brian Griffin:
Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin:
Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin:
We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin:
We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin:
Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin:
We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.
Chris Griffin:
I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin:
Ouch!
Jesus:
[talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker:
[takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
Hooker:
Hey
Lois Griffin:
Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!
Peter Griffin:
Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement
[they stand still]
Hooker:
Where did you go?
Peter Griffin:
[after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin:
Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin:
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Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
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Lois Griffin:
Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin:
Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
Brian Griffin:
[drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin:
[entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin:
Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin:
You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin:
No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
[the eggs in Peter's beard hav just hatched]
Peter Griffin:
Aww, they look just like the kids.
[Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin:
Sweeeeet.
Stewie Griffin:
Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
Peter Griffin:
Boo Lois, yeah beer!
Tooth #1:
I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2:
Not so fast!
Tooth #1:
Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
Peter Griffin:
I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin:
Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin:
[laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian]
Peter Griffin:
[after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter] Does anyone know what this guy's talking about?
Cleveland:
The
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