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Dad:
All's fair in love and war, Timmy.
Timmy:
Which one is this, Dad?
Dad:
Both!
Barry, Levon:
AAAAWWWW yeah!
Ms. Grant:
But what about my husband, General Lee, and the country?
Abe Lincoln:
I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it.
Guy in library:
Maybe you should try pants.
Announcer:
And now Louie, the guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again.
Louie:
Hey, everybody!
All:
Hey, Louie!
Louie:
Hey, who's got something to drink?
Woman:
I do... over there.
Louie:
What is it?
Woman:
A martini.
Louie:
A martini? I wanna dip my balls in it!
[Crowd cheers]
Louie:
Hey, whatcha got there?
Flemish Terrorist #3:
It's an M- What do you want with it?
Louie:
What do I want with it? I wanna dip my balls in it!
Flemish Terrorist #2:
I find him infectious and amusing this Louie character.
Louie:
Who's got some deviled eggs?
Woman:
I do.
Louie:
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Man:
Monogrammed silk handkerchief.
Louie:
I would like to dip my balls in it.
Flemish Terrorist #2:
Silence! Louie... a hand grenade?
Louie:
Ah hell who gives a damn? I wanna dip my balls in it!
Flemish Terrorist #3:
Top secret documents?
Louie:
I wanna file them!
Crowd:
Awwwwww... Louie?
Louie:
You've heard it all before.
Man:
No we haven't!
Louie:
You've heard it all before.
Flemish Terrorists:
No... *we* haven't.
Louie:
You've heard it all before!
All:
No we haven't!
Flemish Terrorist #1:
Say the catchphrase or the Prime Minister dies!
Prime Minister:
Don't say it on my account, Louie.
Louie:
I'm sorry, I can't say it.
All:
Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie!
Louie:
Hey, everybody...
All:
I wanna dip my balls in it!
Tammy Wilkins:
I guess I'll keep making these, as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring.
Louie:
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Kerri:
When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'm?
Kevin:
[singing] It's a marvelous day at the porcupine racetrack; we'll watch them little porkies run! The sun, the track and porcupines!
Kerri:
[singing] A recipe for fun!
Ben:
Racing form, Mr. Johnson?
Kevin:
Why, thank you, Jimmy! Here, get yourself a licorice whip!
Michael Showalter:
[echoing] Let's consider the gate "off-limits"... as a favor to me...
Kerri:
Before I found Fluffy-Soft, my clothes weren't half as soft as they are now!
Bear Puppet:
Because Fluffy-Soft...
[Kerri sees it, screams and beats the crap out of it with the iron]
Bear Puppet:
.
Ken:
I'm aware of my... pants.
Various:
I'm going to take a handful of bumpy chicks and loose them into my pants!
Various:
And then what Commandant Wheeler, I'm Doug, and I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I had sex with my girlfriend for 2 hours once.
Michael:
We all have secrets, for example... Tom, you are on...
Thomas:
Speed.
Michael:
Oh. I was gonna say 'probation'.
Thomas:
Whatever. hehe whatever, what-ever...
Captain Monterey Jack:
Brrring! Brrrring! Hello Cheese? No - Cheese can't dial a phone!
Old-Fashioned Guy:
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods... and fear them.
Barry:
Now I know what you're thinkin'
LeVon:
Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars?
Barry:
[shake head and put finger to mouth] Shhhhhh.
LeVon:
Aw yeah.
Barry:
Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby
LeVon:
It ain't your concern.
Barry Lutz:
Dr. Crank, in your many years of primate research, you've developed...
Dr. Crank:
Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call "Monkey Torture".
Doug:
I'm Doug and I'm out of here.
Ken:
You know, I wouldn't mind having another serving of this... well what is this, fish?
Kerri:
Oh no, it's muppet!
Ken:
M... muppet?
Kerri:
Oh yes, we backed over one in the driveway yesterday and it just seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Now we've become quite the hunters. Would you like to see how to catch one?
[Walks over to open window and calls through it:]
Kerri:
Gee, I wish someone was here who could help me count to three!
Muppet:
[Appears in the window] Golly gosh! I'd be glad to...
Kerri:
[Grabs muppet and snaps it's neck brutally] See how easy?
Old-Fashioned Guy:
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me that when the giant that holds up the earth dies, we are screeewwwed!
Various:
It's hard enough fitting both the mail and the tacos in here. I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed for tacos.
Various:
That's kind of what I'm getting at, Jake.
Various:
Well, don't tell me you don't like the tacos.
Various:
[gets close, in his face] Jake, I love the tacos. They're maybe the best tacos I've ever had. But I think if I had to choose between the mail, and the tacos, I have to choose the mail.
Various:
Okay, I'm gonna take a breath here. I think you might be saying something you don't quite mean. What I'm hearing is, you don't want the tacos.
Various:
[drives by on the street]
[stops]
Various:
Great tacos today, Jake!
Ken:
Aren't you gonna ask me how my day was?
Kerri:
How was your day?
Ken:
Poopy. Another poopy day. I took #2 from every dumb-dumb in this mickey fickey neighborhood today. Thanks for asking dummyhead.
Kerri:
I'm not taking any more of your fudging bull puckey, you cockeyed fellow! I took it from my screwy flick of a father and I'm not gonna take it from a poop who's too wienerless to fight for his own stinky job!
Ken:
You pineapple! You fuzzy cootie!
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